Dear United States Customs Officials,
I know that it is unlikely that you have a grudge against me or that you spend your days dreaming up ways to make me unhappy. Unfortunately, your actions of late have made me realize that there is a difference between things that are unlikely and things that are impossible. If you don’t stop holding my packages hostage I will be forced to conclude either that this is personal or that you are using your power to feed your uncontrollable lust for wooly goodness. Please release my packages and restore my faith in humanity.
Yours in epic frustration,