Bad at Yard
Published On: April 3, 2012

We are bad at yard.  Amazingly astonishingly alarmingly bad at yard.  This is especially embarrassing since our lot is tiny.  Like 35 feet across, 100 feet deep type tiny (and that’s total…the house plops down in the middle and eats up most of that space, the driveway and garage get a chunk too).  And to make matters worse, our across the street neighbor is freaky good at yard.  It makes us look extra bad.

We used to at least have the best of intentions.  We talked about planting blueberries and thought about flowers.  Yeah.  Not our skill.  All plans ended with blisters and tears and drinks.  We’ve now given up even pretending we’ll get the hang of it.  The backyard has an awesome patio, other than that, it’s all shame and drama.

So, I’ve decided to look into enlisting the services of folks who know more about this than I do.  We’re having someone from the company that put in the patio come by and talk to us about making the rest less embarrassing.  Note my goal is not ‘fancy’ or even ‘pretty.’  My goal is ‘less bad.’

I find myself feeling insecure about this.  I worry that either there will be ridicule and shame for the current state of affairs (justified, but unpleasant) or there will be some sort of test that will require me to already know what sorts of plants I want where.  I know this is very unlikely to be true.  Companies rarely find it useful to ridicule their customers or make them feel stupid.  Yet still, I worry.

My plan is to say ‘see that tree? I like that tree, please don’t kill it.  Also, see that awesome moss growing on the patio?  Please don’t kill it either.  I’m fond of it.  The rest, you can take a flame thrower to it for all I care, and put in whatever you want.  I’d like it to look less bad when you’re done.  And don’t expect me to remember the names of things or to weed. Mkay?’

Does this sound like a reasonable plan?  Has anyone ever hired yard help before?  Is it worthwhile?  Is this the time of the year to do it?  Any tips for fully conveying just how little I know about plants and how little I can be counted on to manage to do?  Somebody tell me not to be scared by this…

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